Shut Up, Bands

Yeah, these girls know their shit. “Funniest blog ever”. Cheers ladies!

Club NME have been foolish enough to let us take over running the room at the top at Koko, London, this Friday 31st July.

SHUT UP, BANDS presents DJ sets from DANCE MAGIC DANCE (THE OLD BLUE LAST), STEVE HORRY (THE 18 CARAT LOVE AFFAIR), KEITH TOTP (KEITH TOTP) and SHADY ADIE (SHUT UP, BANDS). From 10pm until 3am.

If you want to get on the £4 guestlist then email noyoushutup[at]shutupbands.com with the subject ‘koko’. Ta very much.

Now, it’s the CREDIT CRUNCH and everything (yawn etc), so some of us poor souls who don’t fancy prostitution have to look for work elsewhere. Unfortunately for some, this includes working on the door in a music venue: taking people’s money and giving them a hand stamp. What a great life. If you ever do this then take a book for the quiet nights (there will be many) – there are only so many times you can read the same copy of The Fly.

Good god, imagine that – holed up in the same room as four scruffy indie oiks make some awful racket in the hope that the A&R scout from Buttfukk Records is there, like he said he would be in that email he sent them three months previously. “I will check you out when you play London!” it said. In Comic Sans font.

But no. No, no, no! This is not often the most painful part of the lowly door person’s job – the pain lies in having to deal with the people actually trying to get into the gig. Among the legit fans and lovely people who pay up without complaint (apart from perhaps whinging about the size of the AMITTEDLY RIDICULOUSLY MASSIVE hand-stamp they have to wash off before they go to work the next day) are The Blaggers Who Are Not On The Guestlist, and they really do need taken outside and poked straight in the eye socket with a rusty kebab skewer.

• The parents. Now I know these mean well but just because you spawned one of these musical geniuses on stage, it does not give you anymore right to get in free. Pay up. Our favourite one of these was a man who looked like he was about to try to blag it. “My son is playing on stage,” he said, before pausing for a good five seconds then adding, “if you can call it that,” and handed over a fiver.
• The person who somehow manages to sneak in through the fire exit (well done) but then makes the mistake of going up to the door person and asking for their hand to get stamped, cos they now want to go to the bar in the other room. How thick are you?
• The ‘I Just Want To See If My Friend Is Here’ blagger. These people never, ever return.
• The ‘I Just Want To Go To The Bar’ blagger. Go to a different bar then – one where bands aren’t playing. You’ll probably have a far more pleasurable time.
• Person who walks in with mobile attached to ear. “DO NOT DISTURB ME,” it aims to scream. Don’t pretend you can hear your phone when there’s a loud band on stage, idiot.
• The ‘I Have No Money’ or ‘If I Pay To Go In The I’ll Have No Money For Beer’ blagger. Well, cry your eyes out, saddo, cos if we all had the money to do things we wanted all the time, do you really think people would actively choose to work on a door in a music venue? Pay up or go back home to your crack habit.
• Person claiming to be from EMI. And it’s always EMI. Dunno why. “Yeah, just thought I’d come in and, er, check out the bands.” Don’t lie. This pretty much never, ever happens. Give us yer money, we can give you a receipt. You can claim it back on expenses. “Er, no, that’s OK.” (Man From EMI shuffles off.) OK, bye then!
• Pretending to show a hand-stamp but then withdrawing hand very quickly and putting it back in pocket. No, try that again, slower this time, please…
• Man with tats all over hand so you can’t tell if he’s actually got a hand stamp already or not. Admittedly, this one is a bit more rare.

Bastards, the lot of you.

Got anymore ‘tricks’ to add to the list?

Dear NME.com,

Give your readers some credit. I’m pretty sure they know who The Rolling Stones are and to call them “the ‘Brown Sugar’ band” was perhaps unnecessary.

Am experimenting with adverts. Dry yer eyes oot; I’m sure you’ll get over it. If it ends up being HUMUNGOUS FAIL then I’ll do away with them.

Oh, and there have been a few other cosmetic changes.

I realise this looks horrific in IE6. Will attempt to rectify.