No, no you wouldn’t.
[click for biggie]
From the same email author as this. Since September ‘09, Jack Kendall has also emailled us about his other band Wellerman, “the essex’s most best and original paul weller and the jam band… THE BEST PARTY AROUND!!”, “The legendary Jack and Danny Chas & Dave Tribute Band”, and “The Commited”, whose marvellous poster you can see below.
For the same reasons it’s not a good idea to lay into your current employer in a job interview, it’s best not to shit on members of your ‘team’ when looking for other people to join that same ‘team’. Here is one band’s attempt at gaining a booking agent.
Greetings
I am the singer of [Some Band].
Our manager is incapable of attaining a decent booking agent for us here in England
So here I am emailing you. We have booking agents in Switzerland, Holland, Germany, Spain and Texas. Chile and Brazil are pending.
We have pending negotiations with agents in Boston and other parts of America and Europe.
We are in the finals of the people’s music awards for best rock/indie song of 2009 with our hit [Some Song Or Other]
We are off to Boston in 2 weeks to perform a presentation for the NACA, to climb upon the university circuit in America,
So as you can see we are a hard working band with potential, being suffocated by our managerThis problem is getting solved, but here’s my quarrel.
Because he’s executed such an asinine job of managing [the band], the gigs we are doing in England are dyer [I think he means "dire"].
We can get them easily, but they’re no good. We want some decent gigs to show people our music
Could you email me if there is even a chance of you working with us please?
Our songs, I’m sure you will agree, stand up to any band. We record in Germany where we have a recording deal with a big producer.
And a publishing deal with [someone that, when Googled, appears to be a video director and not actually a publisher. How queer].
I don’t know much about this business to be honest, but maybe we could latch onto one of your touring bands as support??
Hey, you don’t get if you don’t ask right??
Please email me back either way
Thank you for you time
That was sent to 15 people at the same company. Fair dos for them doing the research. It was at least a better attempt than this, which contains far too much comedy gold…
Hi there,
Are name is [Band Name]. We are a four piece rock band and we are looking for gigs in the upcoming summer. Ordinarily, we contact venues by sending them our press pack but we’ve had too many none replies from places after doing so [that must surely tell you something]. Instead, we are looking for venues that might be interested in us and then sending it on.
If you are interested, then let us know and like i said, we’ll send you our press pack. If not, pleasse let us know anyway as otherwise, we’ll most likely keep trying until we receive a reply!
A somewhat flawed approach, I fear.
An email reads:
Joshua Radin is the uniquely word-of-mouth global success story that’s just about to get a whole lot bigger. His anthems for the heartbroken and dispossessed have appeared on hit TV shows including Scrubs, Grey’s Anatomy, One Tree Hill, House and 90210. Joshua’s recent sold-out London show provided evidence of his organic growth.
That “uniquely word-of-mouth” thing will of course have nothing at all to do with his music being placed on “hit TV shows including Scrubs, Grey’s Anatomy, One Tree Hill, House and 90210″.
Nobody needs this many press releases for such an average indie rock band.
Mar 11th: Placebo rehearsal invite – Tuesday 17th March
Mar 16th: Placebo To Release New Album ‘Battle For The Sun’ June 8th
Mar 26th: PLACEBO ANNOUNCE TRACK LISTING FOR NEW ALBUM ‘BATTLE FOR THE SUN’
Apr 7th: PLACEBO ANNOUNCE WARM UP SHOWS
Apr 21st: PLACEBO RELEASE NEW SINGLE “FOR WHAT IT’S WORTH” ON JUNE 1ST
May 26th: PLACEBO ANNOUNCE UK AND IRISH TOUR IN DECEMBER
May 27th: PLACEBO ANNOUNCE WORLDWIDE PREMIERE OF NEW ALBUM ‘BATTLE FOR THE SUN’
Jun 24th: PLACEBO ANNOUNCED AS ITUNES FESTIVAL HEADLINE ACT ON JULY 14TH
Jul 15th: PLACEBO ANNOUNCE NEW SINGLE ‘THE NEVER-ENDING WHY’ RELEASED SEPTEMBER 7TH
Aug 14th: Placebo release date change – single ‘The Never-Ending Why’ now released September 14th
Oct 22nd: PLACEBO ANNOUNCE FREE TOUR BUNDLE – FANS CAN SIGN UP AND GET TRACKS FROM TOUR BANDS
Nov 6th: PLACEBO WIN BEST ALTERNATIVE ACT AT MTV EMAs
Dec 1st: PLACEBO TO RELEASE NEW SINGLE ‘BRIGHT LIGHTS’ ON FEB 8TH – UK TOUR STARTS NEXT WEEK!
That’s 13 press releases in the space of nine months. You do the math(s).
We are an excellent, unique and ambitious band, as well as being young and good looking, who are currently looking for representation. The newest songs on our myspace, which was recorded by the guys from Animal Farm Records. We are unsigned and I found your email address in the Unsigned Guide book. There are also photographs and a biography of the band on the myspace. We have been described as ‘Radiohead meets Smashing Pumpkins meets Nick Drake meets Bob Dylan’, which we are fairly comfortable with [I bet you are - ed.]. We all live in London and spend most of our time playing and writing together; for each of us music is the number one focus in life right now. We are all between the ages of 21 and 23 and we are all very skilled musicians. However, we realize that soulful song writing, attitude and topical and relevant lyrics is what pushes us apart from many other bands, as well as each song being very different from the last. We have each been in many different bands over time, reaching varying levels of success – my previous band supported Shaun Ryder, whilst Andy’s (the drummer) supported Ill Nino on a European tour [amazing - ed.].
We simply feel that there have not been enough good, important or meaningful bands becoming popular in recent times. There is a thirst for them, and we are here to quench it.
Our next gig is at The Dublin Castle. We are supporting The Fall’s ex-guitarist’s new band [amazing - ed.].
Our favourite words are in bold.
We have our 2nd album coming out globally on the 21st September and we are going to be gigging extensively to promote this.
Said record was mixed by Chris Sheldon (Biffy Clyro, Foo Fighters, Radiohead)
We have teamed up with [PR person] @ [PR Company], who is constructing a press campaign for us at the moment.Here are some bands we have supported, Taking Back Sunday, Oceansize, Biffy Clyro.
In short, can you help us?
This is not the way.
1) Musician asks agent if they would be able to book him a European tour.
2) Musicain gets turned down by agent.
3) Musician responds:
Hey, we’re a pretty tight and self sufficient unit. It won’t be baby sitting for you! Just rack up some shows and send us off!
Yup, that’ll do it.
This is not the way.
We would be interested in coming down. On average how many people do you get in? Bareing in mind we can’t bring a single person. It’s an exploration gig for us. Were hoping to tour early next year, so are trying to put our faces about before hand.
A few questions.
Would you make sure the headline band was an established local band that would pull a crowd?
Can you provide parking for our van?
How many people do you expect on average at your gigs?
Do you have at least 2 monitors? (one for the singer and one for the drummer?)
Do you provide a drinks rider?
I hope to hear from you soon.
I’m leader of a fine band. We play (very) orinigal brit-pop, as well as cool covers from the 50s, The Beatles, McCartney etc. I also do very nice, musical acoustic sets on my own. (And if a venue has a piano it would be just unforgettable.) Presently the guys are like on their way to London, so I offer this, my own perfomance.
It is expensive (but free in case of some great showcase).
Eh?
Our band is fixing up gigs to support a new single release in Sept/Oct (via our own indie label) and a London PR company and radio plugger helping to push things along and raise our national (UK) profile that has building over the last year.
[The band] is a pop/rock guitar band with glamourous girl singer (from Kazakhstan). We play all our own material and have a non-standard set which includes elements of electronica supported by just two guitars. If you want a piegeon hole then we are fairly mainstream in the mould of Garbage,(but with a better singer :] no offence to Ms Manson, but thats what reviewers tell us) and a really phenomenal lead guitarist.
We would expect to bring some fans as we have a sizeable bunch of contacts in London waiting for us to play there. We understand how it works and are not against paying to get a good gig if our ticket sales dont meet a certain level. Support slots def considered.
Oh my WORD!
IMPORTANT PRESS RELEASE FROM AN UNSIGNED BAND.
RANK UNDER FIRE OVER LANGUAGE ROW
The band have recently come under criticism over their excessive use or bad language. Apparently, at the last few gigs the swearing has been especially colourful. Front man ‘Terry’ ranted “We ain’t forcing people to come and see us, it’s up to the individual. If you go to see a rock’n’roll band you gotta expect a bit of language so I couldn’t give a fuck who I upset, if you don’t like go to a fuckin’ Elton John gig and leave us the fuck alone!” Guitarist ‘Rob’ added “Look, we’re a bunch of working class lads who drink, smoke, shag, play music and swear. We’re not gonna change our ways just to conform to the boy band, clean cut with matching white suits view that a small minority think we should adopt. We are what we are, so you better leave your sensitivity’s at the door if your gonna come and see us.”
The front rank will be playing there next gig @ [snip]
Something about punk not being dead, etc.
ive enclosed 2 tracks they aren’t very good quality and don’t do the band justice
Cheers, thanks for that.
A manager writes:
“[The band] are very energetic live. The lead singer could be the new Bobby Gillespie and the drummer was just superb! One of the best unsigned acts around!” Bonehead,ex-Oasis guitarist.
Need I say anymore, I could write how were going to be bigger than the Beatles, I could tell you how important were going to be, BUT I wont. You will be e-mailing me back telling me this after you have listened to [the band]. So sit back and ENJOY!!!!
Ugh.
Another classic example of the time-wasting email.
**** are proud to announce taking over the management contract of ****, we thought we had lost these guys to another management company however after careful negations we have come to agreement with there old management company to take over there contract. We are so excited about this band and are positive with the right direction they will soon be making big noises in the music industry.
There’s just no need, is there? Really. We don’t care.
I would really like you guys to put on a band I am managing called ****. They have a totally unique style and break the mould of your average band and I expect great things out of them. They fuse their love of playing indie, blues and rock’n'roll guitars and drums with electro basslines, loops, synths and fx. They do it all live and there are just two of them!
If youre a fan of Holy Fuck, White Stripes, Kasabian, Death From Above, Hot Chip, Digitalism, LCD SoundSystem, Cream, Jimi Hendrix and Led Zeppelin, youll love these guys!
Hmm.
**** have played Goo Nite, Hope and Anchor, Bull and Gate, Cargo, Rythm Factory, Legion, Mass, Proud Galleries ‘ Bangers and Mash’, Bar Fly, Half Moon, and are playing the Peoples day Festival 2009 in July.
Here are some reviews -
With influences as diverse as Pixies, The Cure, Led Zep, The Small Faces, Hot Chip and LCD Soundsystem, they make a hell of a racket for a two-piece. Just lately, they sound like The White Stripes and Second Coming-era Stone Roses jamming with New Order. Yup – told you they were good. – PopJunkie
**** are our new tip for 2008/09. Someone out there could make a load of dosh from these. If you can imagine the Stone Roses reborn as great musicians and then you’d have this lot. The sounds they made was hypnotic and dancey but without losing sight of the tunes. by the time they went on, most of the crowd were hammered and loving every minute of it. A definite must see – The Tube Club
The Tube Club. Fuck off, The Tube Club. Always great for a cringe-worthy quote. “Imagine the Stone Roses reborn as great musicians…” Oh please – whatever you think of their music, those guys were obviously great musicians. John Squire, Mani, Reni – ESPECIALLY Reni – all amazing.
OK, the less said about Ian Brown’s vocals the better.
Hello dude, how are you???
This is not a spam, we have your contact in our mailist, if you don’t want to receive our messages, please, let me know.
It’s a mailing we, uh, didn’t subscribe to.
In the moment we are organizing a tour for this amazing thrash/death metal band:
**** (brazilian thrash / death metal band)
+
UK supports**** makes a quantum leap with their forthcoming material. Thrash anthems that are both pure brutality and violence,
Brutality and voilence. Brilliant. Just what I want to see in our finest toilet venues.
yet with Very fine nuances and subtleties. Apocalyptic vocals, vicious riffing, Sizzling and atypical solos, mind-boggling speed, all executed with Chirurgical precision.
****’s musical roots cannot be denied, but more than ever, Thisis the **** sound. The new material benefits from an Impeccable production that really highlights each individual Performance. Always surprising, very strong, it keeps you on your Toes from beginning to the end. Come and catch Them live and witness one of brazil’s top 10 metal act expand its Kingdom!
FREE DATES:
December 08th Tuesday
December 09th Wednesday
December 10th Thursday
December 11th Friday
December 12th Saturday
December 13th SundayCONDITIONS/GUARANTEE:
-Case of water, or free water for performance.
-150-300£ – Can also be discussed! A documented percentage of door, or % after Breakeven available!
-Basic sound check or Line check.
-Dinner/Drinks and Sleeping Places (5 people / The guys taken their sleeping bags)
-Some kind of written or documented paper showing an agreeance of the above requirements between venue and band. (Even if not all are met).What do you think??? This sound good for you???
No.
Email sent at the end of 2007.
Hope you are well and you dont mind my emailing you.
Please let me introduce ****.
We are an Indie-Electro Manchester based three-piece currently on our FIRST SELF-BOOKED UK TOUR.
I think it’s safe to say that most bands self-book their first tours, but well done anyway.
On Tuesday 16th October we visit the LONDON LARK (Islington) and would like to invite you along to be part of a great night as we showcase our music to some of Londons finest ears.
We think you will enjoy our live experience and the energy that we put across from the stage.
Our music is purely song based (therefore melodic and anthemic) and is both mainstream and cutting edge.
Oh, fuck off.
If you are interested in coming to see us at the LONDON LARK
Got the name of the venue wrong. Twice.
next tuesday then please be in touch so that with your consent we can;
* Send you an MP3 of our music and/or link to our homepage (ALREADY ATTACHED PLEASE Check us out)
I didn’t give you my ‘consent’, you utter bastards.
* Send our biography/photos/press cuttings
It’s generally best you send this sort of thing anyway.
* Add your name (and guest/s) to the guestlist
* Provide you with more detailed information about the gig
* Provide you with more detaled information about ****We didn’t want to fill your Inbox with large files
Just fill it with a load of bumf that wastes my time then [until I can use it two-and-a-half years later in a blog... but... y'know...].
and so would prefer to have your permission to do so.
If you want to know more about **** or you intend to come along to the showcase then please be in touch.
Weep. Their Myspace page has now been deleted.
Another missive found in the email archives to get bullshit-detector whirring. Managers – please stop telling us about some shit Battle Of The Bands competition, especially one in a different city to the one you’re trying to get a gig in.
Hi there my name is **** i manage ****, Brighton based rock band.
The band includes 5 members and has an riginal and fresh rock sound.The band have local support from Juice Fm and have had their EP produced by Ace from Skunk Anansie. They have also won the 2006 Brighton Battle of the Bands.
The sound is friendly metal/ mega riff rock and we would apreciate it if you could please listen to the attached mp3 files.
Their Myspace page is now strangely non-existent.
It seems that these competitions have their uses though. I mean, how else would you find a band to play your wedding?
“Great Set… f*cking tune” – Matty Clinton, The Twang
“Most bands bring me two hit records, you’ve brought me 5. That Doesn’t happen often” – Producer of The Twang/Kings Of Leon
Really? Quite surprised the producer hears two hit singles in most bands who approach him – I usually find that most bands bring a whole heap of shit to the table.