the door person probably hates you
Now, it’s the CREDIT CRUNCH and everything (yawn etc), so some of us poor souls who don’t fancy prostitution have to look for work elsewhere. Unfortunately for some, this includes working on the door in a music venue: taking people’s money and giving them a hand stamp. What a great life. If you ever do this then take a book for the quiet nights (there will be many) – there are only so many times you can read the same copy of The Fly.
Good god, imagine that – holed up in the same room as four scruffy indie oiks make some awful racket in the hope that the A&R scout from Buttfukk Records is there, like he said he would be in that email he sent them three months previously. “I will check you out when you play London!” it said. In Comic Sans font.
But no. No, no, no! This is not often the most painful part of the lowly door person’s job – the pain lies in having to deal with the people actually trying to get into the gig. Among the legit fans and lovely people who pay up without complaint (apart from perhaps whinging about the size of the AMITTEDLY RIDICULOUSLY MASSIVE hand-stamp they have to wash off before they go to work the next day) are The Blaggers Who Are Not On The Guestlist, and they really do need taken outside and poked straight in the eye socket with a rusty kebab skewer.
- The parents. Now I know these mean well but just because you spawned one of these musical geniuses on stage, it does not give you anymore right to get in free. Pay up. Our favourite one of these was a man who looked like he was about to try to blag it. “My son is playing on stage,” he said, before pausing for a good five seconds then adding, “if you can call it that,” and handed over a fiver.
- The person who somehow manages to sneak in through the fire exit (well done) but then makes the mistake of going up to the door person and asking for their hand to get stamped, cos they now want to go to the bar in the other room. How thick are you?
- The ‘I Just Want To See If My Friend Is Here’ blagger. These people never, ever return.
- The ‘I Just Want To Go To The Bar’ blagger. Go to a different bar then – one where bands aren’t playing. You’ll probably have a far more pleasurable time.
- Person who walks in with mobile attached to ear. “DO NOT DISTURB ME,” it aims to scream. Don’t pretend you can hear your phone when there’s a loud band on stage, idiot.
- The ‘I Have No Money’ or ‘If I Pay To Go In The I’ll Have No Money For Beer’ blagger. Well, cry your eyes out, saddo, cos if we all had the money to do things we wanted all the time, do you really think people would actively choose to work on a door in a music venue? Pay up or go back home to your crack habit.
- Person claiming to be from EMI. And it’s always EMI. Dunno why. “Yeah, just thought I’d come in and, er, check out the bands.” Don’t lie. This pretty much never, ever happens. Give us yer money, we can give you a receipt. You can claim it back on expenses. “Er, no, that’s OK.” (Man From EMI shuffles off.) OK, bye then!
- Pretending to show a hand-stamp but then withdrawing hand very quickly and putting it back in pocket. No, try that again, slower this time, please…
- Man with tats all over hand so you can’t tell if he’s actually got a hand stamp already or not. Admittedly, this one is a bit more rare.
Bastards, the lot of you.
Got anymore ‘tricks’ to add to the list?
You forgot about the people who try to blag in by turning up at soundcheck with the band and hoping they’ll not be asked to pay. I remember one gig where about 5 non band members arrived with one of the other bands for soundcheck. Just because some drummer’s distant cousin’s girlfriend’s friend clapped the other bands at soundcheck, doesn’t mean they get in free.
Having said that, Jim Bob and Marc were once surprised that I made my girlfriend and my father pay to get in. Turned out we had a 5 person guest list but hadn’t been told. Oh well, it just meant more beer money for us.
Or there’s the manager whose so crap at managing he doesn’t manage to get on the band’s guestlist. These people should be surcharged.
“I’m friends with the venue manager/owner”
So phone them and asked to be put on the guestlist
“I don’t have their phone number”
Being someones friend on facebook doth not make you besh mates
“i’m the official band photographer”
Fuck off, come back and pay, then fuck off again :)
Getting in early while the band soundcheck usually works for me ;-)
“The band forgot this (show bag of tangled leads/equipment) quick let me in or they’ll go on late!”
‘i’m the band’s roadie/tour manager/driver/soundman’
‘i lent the band all the gear they’re playing through tonight’
‘i’m in the band’ – (so how come you weren’t there for soundcheck?)
‘oh i just play tambourine on one song’ (with the bands consent? I think not…)
people that just RUN PAST YOU thinking that maybe they’re SO FAST you won’t spot them.
People that pretend they didn’t realize you actually had to PAY!? ‘i have to PAY to see a band?’
My favourite when we ran our monthly night was not the blagging but the genuine outrage when I wouldn’t let them blag.
Complete stranger who couldn’t believe me, cheeky little shit that I am, wouldn’t take a brief and slurred attempt at a flirt from some bloke’s fat girlfriend instead of the money from the 4 of them.
The guy who went from looking for a friend to singer’s boyfriend to paid the ‘other guy’ (who didn’t exist) and was furious at my persistance.
‘i lent the band all the gear they’re playing through tonight’
It’s not nice paying to see someone else play your guitar!
it’s up to the band to give the door lady a guest list. if someone’s been kind/stupid enough to lend them things to play on the least the band could do is put them on the guest list…it’s not door ladies fault when the band decides they’d rather put some a&r man who’s not gonna show up on instead…
A sub-section of this one is the man who’s putting the band up tonight and if you don’t let me in the band are sleeping in the street….
again it’s the band’s decision who they put on the guest list. not the door ladies.
and the really hated one…
‘oh cmon let me in you know you like me’ they slobber beerily at you trying to wink/leer/twinkle endearingly.
really really not…
in fact they’re the ones you usually say to the bouncer ‘please keep an eye on him i think he’s a bit weird and might be stealing handbags’…
This isn’t strictly to do with blagging, but the one thing I grew to hate the most in my time as a door person was this:
Step 1: Friend of band turns up to gig and approaches door person to check guest list/present flyer etc.
Step 2: Band member appears coincidentally behind friend and announces to all in ear shot with the confidence that he is saying the most original and hilarious thing anyone has ever said anywhere:
“Uh oh, don’t let HIM in! He’s trouble! Ha ha ha ha ha ha” and gives his mate a slap on the back. The pair laugh and laugh and laugh.
Step 3: I smile and laugh, stamp the friend’s hand and die a little bit more inside.
Or blank-face them and DON’T stamp the friends hand cos the band told you expressly NOT to let them in. sorry! Just doing my job…
I also hate people who get the hump when they’re not on the list and start phoning people while they’re still standing in front of you with queue of people behind them who are waiting to just pay and go in…
Ha ha… all the above so familiar (tho I have to admit to the occasional blag, nicely i hope, with thanks to some lovely door folk)
Having said that, I ain’t loaded like major label a&r types yaw yawing loudly about their amazing lifestyle (and nearly pissing themselves at peasantville -a.k.a. new cross road – and outraged at having to part with a whole £3 each because they’re not on the guest list.
Ooh, claim in expenses then.
How satisfying that they could have seen four great bands, two of which had made the Top 40 within a year and neither of which were on their shithead-employing label.
“Let me in, I work for Mixmag!”